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Sometimes certain aspects of life make me stop and say, Humph?!
Television! It’s only a fad ... Rain. More rain. Nothing to do but watch television. Nothing to do but watch television and doze off. Nothing to do but watch television, doze off and get jarred off the couch and ripped from my slumber by the damned commercials. Why are they so much louder than the shows? How can this be? I understand they want to get my attention but where does it end? Isn’t this some sort of invasion. Why do they have the right to blast my volume. What next, will they rig my TV to squirt a stream of water and scream, 'Hey, WAKE UP! LOOK at our product, dammit!' Okay, so instead of totally losing my mind I made a mental deal with these invisible advertisers: I’ll let them intrude upon me - yeah, I’ll let them wake me up but only if they rig my TV to abruptly awaken me by launching a free sample. Jewelry, food, cars - no problem. Now that I was awake, I changed the channel. Humph. A commercial for a Sports Utility Vehicle (SUV). I saw this thing flying off of mountains, soaring four-foot jumps over streams, doing back-flips off bridges. In real life, I actually know someone who tried this with his SUV. The wheel fell off. Yes, the WHEEL FELL OFF. Now, I know this commercial has all the realism of the infamous juicy five-inch-high hamburger, but it is still rather insulting. I am convinced that SUV truly stands for: Keep the Street Under the Vehicle, where it belongs. And if you ever wondered why, on TV, there was always a canoe on the roof of the truck, it was there so after the cameras stopped rolling, the poor soul can drift down river searching for help after his WHEEL FELL OFF! I changed the friggin’ channel. Humph, a fitness infomercial. Interesting. I see a bunch of very active people, sweating like crazy, smiling, motivated. Yeah, right. Then they showed a version of how you can workout at home. Same crapola, motivated people smiling. Yeah, sure. Most folks don't even want to get off the couch on a rainy day. Then it hit me. We need a home-workout for the average guy or gal - you know, for the lazy bastards. I'd call it: 'Get Off Your Lazy Ass and Clean Out the Basement!!' That’s right folks-Yes, some sort of physical activity any physical exertion is better than sitting on your buttocks, munching on pistachios all day long! Get off your lazy ass and clean out the basement. Use those lats and deltoids lifting musty boxes and dragging old footlockers to the curb. Then follow it up with a wonderful tricep workout - vacuuming! Need to work those biceps - stop for a snack!! Take a three-pound steak in each hand and as the bites fly by, so do the calories! Need some road work, well practice sprinting from the couch to the TV, then simultaneously, hit the off button with your foot while grabbing the feather-duster in your hand as the wife surprisingly walks in the door! Yes, this workout could be yours and you don’t even have to buy this dang tape!! My remote was under the empty Doritos bag. You guessed it, clickeroo. Oops, the naughty station. Humph, a commercial for edible underwear. Edible underwear? Who ever invented this must have been the same guy who created the razor sharp plate at the end of your solid deodorant stick that cuts through your armpit into your brain, telling you that it’s finished.. Hmmm, I think I’m running low on deod ' yyyeeoOOWW!!!' Edible underwear. If there was ever a garment that should never be eaten, it is stanky underwear. 'Hi honey, how was your TWELVE-HOUR day? Oh, and spinning class at the humid gym, too. Say, I’ve got a hankerin’ for a snack. Can you whip-off your skivvies and plop ‘em in my bowl of cereal? Mmm. Frosted Skivvie-Wheats!' Edible underwear. Delicious. Needless to say, I turned the television off, snapped a bite of my Slim-Jim and went online for some good, clean fun.JimDelTrust + Faith = Hope Why would you trust me? It is not as though I am the brake pedal beneath your foot as you careen around a narrow, winding mountain road. You must trust that hot piece of metal. You must trust the structural integrity, the strength of the steel and the fact that the anonymous person who installed it, did his/her job properly. Your life depends upon it. Subconsciously, you are trusting every moving part in the vehicle. Every variable. This level of trust is elementary as compared to the baptismal strength you’ve given to that faceless airline pilot who is carrying your fate in his hands and on his landing gear. Hopefully he is having a good day. Hopefully the airline cook wasn’t temporarily insane and casually dropped some Spic-n-Span into your lunch – or better yet, at least washed his hands. I don’t care if my electrician washed his hands twenty years ago when he installed my wiring. Although, I am trusting that he tightened every screw on every wire in every electrical socket and fire-causing light fixture. One spark, puff. We must simply trust all of life’s external forces: Trust – that the judge is not on the take; that my surgeon is concentrating when she cuts; that the thief is honest when he says he only wants your money and he'll leave you without a scratch; that the stray dog won't bite; that I won’t bite when I kiss you goodbye; that the odd looking stranger lurking behind you won’t nudge you off the edge as the subway car comes rushing; that the driver in an oncoming car on a single lane road is not going to sneeze or have a seizure just as she speeds on by. I want to have confidence in the credibility of documentaries but the whole moon-walk blitz on television could have been staged. We must trust our politicians – oops, scratch that. Trust the weather man – aaah, scratch that, too. I want to trust the written word but a human hand wrote that word. The human variable, imperfect and sometimes dishonest. We must blindly trust that the Sun will ‘rise’ tomorrow and for all eternity. Our lives and all living things depend upon it. We also unconsciously trust our involuntary mechanism. Trust that our brains will continue to command our hearts to keep pumping and our lungs forever expanding – much like our horizons. Trust in our immune systems – my immune system, to attack the golf ball growing in my brain, mutated by my cell phone. Free weeknights and weekends, thanks a lot. It is not as though I don’t have a choice for I am choosing waking reality over fantasy. Maybe this is a dream and when I awaken, I will be ten years old, still with my whole life to live. Maybe I should trust that this is all a dream and live it up. Yahoo! They say if you die in your dreams you never wake-up. I say, if your dreams die, there is no reason to wake up. I hope this is not too extreme. Whoa! I believe we have stumbled upon the answer, if there is one. The fact is not that we trust all of these variables, but simply that we have hope. The misconception is that we must mechanically trust all aspects of life as opposed to having hope and faith that the eternal clock will continue. Hope is the grandest of all powers on earth, or any other planet. Hope fires that little spark when you think maybe she’ll smile back, or he’ll call, or that they’ll find a cure, or that the tremors will soon stop, or that the pilot can see through the storm, or that the bond you share will last forever. Hope, however small the glimmer, surpasses the darkness and unfathomable depths of depression. Hope breeds hope. Hope nourishes faith in yourself and that you’ll find your answers. Hope heals your feet as you walk the pathway in search of your fountain of youth, to preservation, your own unique panacea. Hope spawns trust in yourself. Trust in your heart, soul, mind, and in the greatest – most inexplicable dimension of them all, love. After that, having trust in the rest of the world is easy .... for our lives depend upon it.JimDelDiscovering Love in Songville, U.S.A. Amidst the pink houses of Margaritaville sat Amie and Leroy Brown quietly watching the film, Breakfast at Tiffany's. Suddenly all hell broke loose when Leroy accidentally called his woman sweet Caroline! Shattering their peaceful easy feeling, Amie shouted in a jealous rage, "you had better be born to run into the mystic because when I get through with you, you'll be hurting like a blister in the sun!!" Leroy begged her to take it easy by bringing up their passionate beginnings of being down on the corner with Cecilia, Maggie Mae, Jack and Diane, swilling ripple and fiddling with their squeeze box. He tried to make her drift away by reminiscing about how they used to listen to the music while talking about how only the good die young. Amie tried to relax by sipping brandy and nibbling on her american pie. She always had the feeling that he was messing around with other cats in the cradle. Of course, Leroy screwed up again by saying, "Come on, lay down, Sally." "Sally?!" Amie belted, erupting violently, "Yer so bad, bad Leroy Brown! You and your wild world of friends in low places. You're nothing, man!" As she ran out Leroy muttered under his breath, "hey, sometimes you gotta love the one you're with..." Amie flashed out the rear escape, knelt down next to her southern cross, and desperately tried to recognize some kind of wonderful reason why she would stay with this friend of the devil. She gently pulled from her pocket a kodachrome of what once was her love - her midnight rider. She thought back to the wild night they had met. He was truckin' to his sweet home Alabama, and she was going to California when he almost drove her off the road. (Ironically, they both named their vehicles. Leroy named his semi -"Hugh" while Amie name hers mustang, Sally). Angered by his dangerous eighteen wheeled maneuver, Amie slowed, rolled down her window, dropped her blue skirt - and though she had a heart of gold - gave Leroy a moondance like he had never seen. Stunned by the visual paradise by the dashboard light, all Leroy could do was mutter, "Obla-di, obla-da." Amie was not finished showing off her joy to the world as she flashed yet another part of her body which was somewhat closer to the heart. Again, Leroy could only incoherently mumble, "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da." Instantly, he had but one thing on his mind. Touch me, I feel like makin' love. He tried to pull over but he was stuck in the middle with "Hugh". He finally got her attention and nodded toward the beach for a walk on the ocean. This brown-eyed girl was immediately attracted to his lyin' eyes. Thirty minutes later they were tangled up in blue clothing under the boardwalk. Who can explain this crazy little thing called love...JimDelCHS ISS JimDelMagical Day As I stood on the side walk and watched the colored bulbs blinkI could see through the clouded window, a gentle man sip his drink His family was gathered with warmth and heartfelt It seemed as if though a perfect hand they were dealt They hugged and sang as I shuffled in the snow They were safe from the world, another snowflake froze my nose A pleasant carol rang, seeped and pushed through their door Its loving arms were grabbing for me, I wanted to feel more But the snowy wind blew and I bowed for a stint, as I clutched in my pocket a splintered cane of peppermint I turned and peddled my bitten legs on the walk How I yearned and desired with someone to talk Some body, some being, some warm tender care Someone to sweep the wetness from hair I halted, I froze, I breathed, I turned, I stared Somebody was calling, somebody cared I searched the up kicking blizzard flashing memories of loves, lives, and precious ones lost I then realized this moment of calling was merely the wind and the frost I stopped again and noticed my footprints smoothed The relentless wind filled my impressions, erased my presence, I could not move Was this just another winter’s eve or a heart-wrenching search for the magic of the day For Christmas is magic, it is love and warmth and family in every way Suddenly a hand touched my shoulder and I turned with a jerk I grabbed for his throat and he pulled at my shirt He said, Hey Wait, I know you I see you every day, I once gave you my shoes I froze, I stared as a tear froze to my cheek My arms were failing and my body was weak Ignoring my surge he shook off the snow and coddled my bare hand with a mug of steaming cocoa He walked, gently smiled and while steering me toward his home, I noticed his rosy cheeks and ivory dome He turned, leaned and whispered to me ... Christmas is magic, it is love and warmth and family in every way My eyes closed and for a moment I felt maybe there was a reason for this day As I sat in the corner and sipped at my drink Wordless and euphoric I watched the bulbs blink Not knowing the room unknowing any names I felt the love of a family on this newly found day Out through the clouded window I then gazed I searched for more lost souls . . . for no one is lost on Christmas Day. JimDel |
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